Archive for the year 2004
Shallowness
Posted on September 4, 2004 by Ching under Confessions, Life.
I should probably work out. But I think I’m going to play on UB for an hour. Brian will come home around noon. We’ll grub and then rest a bit. I’ll probably work out, if I can get motivated enough, and then shower and go to work. Put in my time from 4p to 8p and then see if Brian wants to go out (rolling my eyes) later. I think if I bribe him with dinner at Carrabba’s he just might. I took out cash yesterday and everything! I didn’t even get to use it. =(
It’s been a while since we’ve gone out dancing. It’s been a month, I think. I don’t have too much homework yet so I better take advantage while I still can. But now the dillema is what to wear to work so that I don’t have to change later.. I think I might just have to change after work. Even though it’s a weekend there will be a lot of people working and I can’t set a bad example since I’m in leadership now. =(
You’re probably thinking that my life is so shallow and my worries are nothing. I wish that were the case. I have to talk about mundane things to keep from talking about the real issues going on in my life that I am unable to discuss. Like how someone complained about me on our integrity hotline.. I won’t go any further because I’m not allowed to talk about it. Besides, I may still be under investigation. Who knows? Better be safe than sorry. Remind me in a few months. Hopefully, I’ll have survived the ordeal unscathed, I can tell you the story and we can all laugh about it. At this particular point in time, though, I’m not laughing. The opposite is actually true. I cried. I cried a lot on Thursday. That’s when I found out. I think I was mostly in shock. But it was also partly because my feelings were hurt. How could anyone do something like that? After I go out of my way to be nice to everyone?
It was good, though. For a while there I had forgotten that I had feelings, too. I’d gone on for so long being indifferent. It was an awakening.
I also realized that I am so careful and nice to everyone and because of all of the energy that I expend doing so, I end up being crabby and cranky when I come home to Brian. He takes the brunt of my frustrations and he doesn’t deserve it. So I guess, this situation (though unpleasant) is a blessing in disguise. It’s good because it has helped to open my eyes. Look at me, always finding the silver lining!
Then there is that other thing. Something that I created on my own. Is it boredom? I think it’s more than that because I’ve got lots of :toys: to combat my boredom. I think it’s because I haven’t been shopping. Maybe? Normally, I’m always shopping online. Lately, I’ve been more creative with my free time. No shopping. So from a financial standpoint this is a good thing. There are some negative aspects, though.
I think I will need to reassess the situation in the next few days. I’m sure I’ll find other things to do that will have less negative externalities. I may just go back to shopping. After all, it does give me a lot of satisfaction. I don’t know.. But now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve got some planning to do.
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Sneaky Brian
Posted on September 2, 2004 by Ching under Toys.
I just found out that Brian’s tank thing (it’s actually called a desktop rover; he ordered it from ThinkGeek) cost him almost $250 bucks! The sneaky turd wasn’t even going to tell me. He finally admitted to spending $49 for the tank, $39 for the commander software (which we don’t even know if he will know how to use), $149 for the camera attachment and only God knows how much for shipping. I must’ve upset him really bad!
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Not Seeing Eye-to-Eye
Posted on September 1, 2004 by Ching under Life.
Brian and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. It seems like everything I say or do “hurts his feelings.” If I wanted to worry about every little thing that comes out of my mouth I would’ve married a woman. I mean if I cannot be candid with my own husband, who can I be candid with?
Last Wednesday (his day off) I sent him to Office Depot to buy me a hole puncher. He said he was so excited about my recent promotion that he bought me gifts for my office. I told him that was great and we planned to meet for lunch so he could bring me my stuff. He brings me a lamp and clock that he bought but forgets my hole puncher. I didn’t need or ask for a lamp — I have overhead lights. I didn’t need or ask for a desk clock — I have a wrist watch and I can also check the time on my computer as well as my phone console. I did, however, ask for a hole puncher. The one thing I needed, I didn’t get.
He was offended that I didn’t express sufficient appreciation for my other gifts. I hurt his feelings because all I could say was, “Where’s my hole puncher?” Of course, I would ask for it first before anything else. That’s what I freakin’ sent him to the store for! Of course, I would be disappointed when I found out that he forgot to bring it. I needed it! Anyway, if he would’ve remembered to bring the hole puncher I would’ve been much more appreciative. My gratitude was overshadowed by my disappointment and I couldn’t hide how disappointed I felt. Either way, I didn’t think I had to. I don’t want to have to watch what I say or do around my husband. I do that enough around other people!
I find out several days later that he bought a tank off the internet because he was upset. This is something that I would do. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think Brian is really a woman. He received the camera for his tank yesterday. He was showing it to me last night and how the video feed went to the tv. Again, I upset him because I wasn’t excited enough.
I wasn’t excited because, first of all, he bought the tank behind my back. Secondly, he charged it! GRRR! But then he gets upset at me because I am making a big deal out of a $70 tank which is nothing according to him. He says, “You have bras more expensive than that!” True, but bras are a necessity. Tanks are not. Besides, he is going to play with that thing for two weeks (if even that) and then it’s going to end up in the cat/storage room or in the attic, never to be seen or heard from again.
So there you have it. My marital woes of late.
I went to bed early last night. Yes, really early. As in ten o’clock early. He was watching The Perfect Score, which I thought is kind of dumb. I had no desire to see it when it came out in theaters and I have no desire to see it now. So I left him in the office and went to bed by myself.
I woke up this morning and found the following letter in my email inbox:
I’m never good at writing this stuff out but here it goes.
First and foremost, I am sorry that I am such a disappointment. I know that you will tell me that I’m not a disappointment but I know that I am. I know that I mess things up and I know that I am a klutz. What you miss is me trying not to be those things. I do really try to not mess everything up, but it seems that no matter how hard I try to fix all this stuff that makes me imperfect it all seems to fall apart around me in the end.
The thing that truly hurts me is that you see me as a lost cause, a failure and a loser. These are things that you are not supposed to feel about your husband. These are things that frankly you should not feel about anyone, but most importantly your husband. You can’t say you don’t feel these things because I can see it in your face sometimes, the utter disappointment and the look of “What do I do?†This in the most saddening thing I can ever possibly experience. The truly sad part is that I have no idea if I can fix it. I’m scared that you will always look at me this way no matter how much I change, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. I fear that you will forever look at me like a failure and will eventually seek out something or someone better. This is what drives me to do better; this is what lies in the back of my mind day in and day out. But it is what I fear also holds me back. I am truly afraid, afraid of change, afraid of failure, afraid of being alone and most of all, afraid of being without you. I have a feeling that I’m not making sense and I have a feeling that I’m contradicting myself. I hope I’m not and I did try to tell you that I was not very good at these things. Honestly I’m not very good at anything. At one point I thought that making you happy was the one and only thing that I was good at. I can see now that I’m not very good at that either.
So here’s my apology.
I am sorry that I have failed you, I am sorry that I mess things up and do not think things thru, I am sorry that I am forgetful (although I truly don’t know how to fix this one) and I am sorry that I have disappointed you, I am sorry that I make you unhappy or frustrate you to the point of silence, I am sorry that I have placed the perception in your eyes that I am a looser and will never change and most of all, I am sorry that I have hurt you and caused you to love me less.
I hope this does not fall on deaf ears and I know that this does not change anything that I have done. I just hope that by pouring my heart out too you that you will not let all the good things that we have done together go to waste and be forgotten. I love you baby forever and always I will love you, please never forget that.
Yours truly,
Your Loving Husband
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The Shape of Things
Posted on August 29, 2004 by Ching under Life, Movies.
We went to bed pretty early last night, so now I’m up and can’t go back to sleep. At least I’m being productive. I’m paying off Victoria’s Secret and Express cards. Go me! Of course, it’ll only be a matter of two weeks before I max them out again. And then I’ll be trying to pay them off for months. I have been more responsible lately, though. Other than those two blouses that I bought for myself at Armani Exchange a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t bought anything for myself.
Mostly, I just get Brian stuff. Like the fancy Armani Exchange blazer that we got for him when we were in Kansas City; and then last Thursday, I bought him a couple pairs of bootcut jeans from Aeropostale to update his wardrobe. It’s the exact same style but different washes. One is a darker tint and the other is a slightly lighter tint. You probably won’t be able to tell the difference unless the two pairs of jeans are side by side but at least he has two nice new jeans to wear on Fridays and Saturdays. I get tired of seeing the old ones. He can just wear those for swordfighting or whatever.
So why buy two pairs of the exact same jeans? My philosophy is that if you find something that fits and looks great, you need to buy it in as many colors as you can. Some people will disagree. But me, being built the way I am, it’s hard to find things that fit. It used to be horrible to go shopping because when I was thinner everything I tried on looked good and I felt compelled to buy everything in sight. Now that I’ve gotten older and heavier, it’s more challenging to find things that fit that actually look good so I must take advantage whenever I can.
I wish I could dress Brian the way I want. I mean, I ask him what he wants me to wear and solicit his opinion all the time. I keep hoping that he would start doing the same, so it won’t be like I’m telling him what to wear. It’ll be just me giving him my opinion which he has asked for.. He’s always in these derogatory t-shirts and, don’t get me wrong, I love derogatory t-shirts and the humor in them but sometimes I just want him to dress more sophisticated. After all, he is thirty now. I want him to be the hot, older guy that everyone wants to shag.
Anyway, I wonder sometimes if I can pull off a The Shape of Things type transformation on Brian. I wouldn’t push my luck, though. He would bust me in a second and purposely go back to his grungy ways, just to spite me.
—
We’re supposed to do some house cleaning today. I doubt it’s getting done because we are both so lazy. Plus, we are planning on watching Hero in the afternoon and then swordfighting with Brent (and others) at Harrison Park in the evening. Which is good because whenever we swordfight I am so tired that I sleep really well. There is no room for insomnia tonight, as I have to be at work by 7 AM on Monday (at Lance’s request so he can setup my computer). I will finally be able to access and print login/logout reports etc.
I’m all for being able to do stuff.. I mean, I just want to make sure I have the tools and resources I need to do my job effectively because I don’t want to let anyone down.. So I don’t really mind having to come in so early. Besides, I’m usually at work a half an hour early anyway (even as a rep — I hated being late).. What’s another half hour?
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Protected: Dinner
Posted on August 29, 2004 by Ching under Life.
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