Not Seeing Eye-to-Eye
Posted on September 1, 2004 by Ching under Life.
Brian and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye lately. It seems like everything I say or do “hurts his feelings.” If I wanted to worry about every little thing that comes out of my mouth I would’ve married a woman. I mean if I cannot be candid with my own husband, who can I be candid with?
Last Wednesday (his day off) I sent him to Office Depot to buy me a hole puncher. He said he was so excited about my recent promotion that he bought me gifts for my office. I told him that was great and we planned to meet for lunch so he could bring me my stuff. He brings me a lamp and clock that he bought but forgets my hole puncher. I didn’t need or ask for a lamp — I have overhead lights. I didn’t need or ask for a desk clock — I have a wrist watch and I can also check the time on my computer as well as my phone console. I did, however, ask for a hole puncher. The one thing I needed, I didn’t get.
He was offended that I didn’t express sufficient appreciation for my other gifts. I hurt his feelings because all I could say was, “Where’s my hole puncher?” Of course, I would ask for it first before anything else. That’s what I freakin’ sent him to the store for! Of course, I would be disappointed when I found out that he forgot to bring it. I needed it! Anyway, if he would’ve remembered to bring the hole puncher I would’ve been much more appreciative. My gratitude was overshadowed by my disappointment and I couldn’t hide how disappointed I felt. Either way, I didn’t think I had to. I don’t want to have to watch what I say or do around my husband. I do that enough around other people!
I find out several days later that he bought a tank off the internet because he was upset. This is something that I would do. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think Brian is really a woman. He received the camera for his tank yesterday. He was showing it to me last night and how the video feed went to the tv. Again, I upset him because I wasn’t excited enough.
I wasn’t excited because, first of all, he bought the tank behind my back. Secondly, he charged it! GRRR! But then he gets upset at me because I am making a big deal out of a $70 tank which is nothing according to him. He says, “You have bras more expensive than that!” True, but bras are a necessity. Tanks are not. Besides, he is going to play with that thing for two weeks (if even that) and then it’s going to end up in the cat/storage room or in the attic, never to be seen or heard from again.
So there you have it. My marital woes of late.
I went to bed early last night. Yes, really early. As in ten o’clock early. He was watching The Perfect Score, which I thought is kind of dumb. I had no desire to see it when it came out in theaters and I have no desire to see it now. So I left him in the office and went to bed by myself.
I woke up this morning and found the following letter in my email inbox:
I’m never good at writing this stuff out but here it goes.
First and foremost, I am sorry that I am such a disappointment. I know that you will tell me that I’m not a disappointment but I know that I am. I know that I mess things up and I know that I am a klutz. What you miss is me trying not to be those things. I do really try to not mess everything up, but it seems that no matter how hard I try to fix all this stuff that makes me imperfect it all seems to fall apart around me in the end.
The thing that truly hurts me is that you see me as a lost cause, a failure and a loser. These are things that you are not supposed to feel about your husband. These are things that frankly you should not feel about anyone, but most importantly your husband. You can’t say you don’t feel these things because I can see it in your face sometimes, the utter disappointment and the look of “What do I do?†This in the most saddening thing I can ever possibly experience. The truly sad part is that I have no idea if I can fix it. I’m scared that you will always look at me this way no matter how much I change, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. I fear that you will forever look at me like a failure and will eventually seek out something or someone better. This is what drives me to do better; this is what lies in the back of my mind day in and day out. But it is what I fear also holds me back. I am truly afraid, afraid of change, afraid of failure, afraid of being alone and most of all, afraid of being without you. I have a feeling that I’m not making sense and I have a feeling that I’m contradicting myself. I hope I’m not and I did try to tell you that I was not very good at these things. Honestly I’m not very good at anything. At one point I thought that making you happy was the one and only thing that I was good at. I can see now that I’m not very good at that either.
So here’s my apology.
I am sorry that I have failed you, I am sorry that I mess things up and do not think things thru, I am sorry that I am forgetful (although I truly don’t know how to fix this one) and I am sorry that I have disappointed you, I am sorry that I make you unhappy or frustrate you to the point of silence, I am sorry that I have placed the perception in your eyes that I am a looser and will never change and most of all, I am sorry that I have hurt you and caused you to love me less.
I hope this does not fall on deaf ears and I know that this does not change anything that I have done. I just hope that by pouring my heart out too you that you will not let all the good things that we have done together go to waste and be forgotten. I love you baby forever and always I will love you, please never forget that.
Yours truly,
Your Loving Husband
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