That office is a bottomless abyss of junk. I seriously thought it would be completely empty by now. We only got as far as moving the bookshelf out. Why? Well, we had to decide which books were to keep, to give away, and to throw away. It wasn’t quite so simple, though. The books to keep had to be sorted between two categories: to keep out right now because it is useful and to keep in the box to take with us to the new place. Then the books to give away had to be sorted into even more categories; the categories being the people we want to give the books to and Goodwill. The simplest pile was the throw away pile.<\/p>\n
Then we came across some old pictures. Brian ooh’d and aah’d and oogled at how thin he was (and you all thought it would be me doing this). He was so thin way back when he actually had a picture where he looked like a meth addict. I reassured him that he looks much healthier and much better now. Anyway, we observed that he was really thin back then but he didn’t appear to be so because I was somewhat thin also. We were both thinnish together so we matched. If I were as big as I am now back then, we would be mismatched. In a way I’m kind of glad that we grew fatter together. LOL.<\/p>\n
We also came across Brian’s year book from middle school. He made sure he pointed out all of his nerdy friends and old girlfriends. He was so nerdy back then. His friends were even nerdier, though! LOL. So something as simple as clearing a bookshelf that would take normal people ten minutes at most took us an hour.<\/p>\n
I didn’t help matters any, though. I came across an old journal and started reading. Brian had to get me to stop. I like reading old journal entries. It reminds me of how I was; how we were. Here’s the journal entry that I started reading. This never made it online. This was top secret stuff back then (if it’s on paper, it’s top secret and not to be shared with anyone), something that Brian hasn’t even read I’m sure. So he’ll be reading it for the first time here with you guys.<\/p>\n
August 29, 1999<\/p>\n
I sit here at work, tummy satiated (full of Brian’s mother’s roast beef) and heart content, pondering the nature of my gratifying relationship with the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. For the first time in my life I’m truly happy. I’ve never felt this way before about anything, anyone. I couldn’t be any happier…<\/p>\n
But deep down I harbor this fear; a fear of the unknown. I keep it from Brian because I don’t want to worry him. I want to preserve his joy. My world is whirling… events in my life are happening faster than I can sort them out in the filing system within my mind.<\/p>\n
Our relationship is progressing much faster than either of us both anticipated; faster than I ever imagined possible. We talk about living together, having children, and eventually getting married someday as though we’ve been a couple for months, years even. And yet we’ve been dating for only two months. We share this bond, this connection… an uncommon affinity for one another… something that we both feel happens only once in each lifetime.<\/p>\n
However, he feels a certainty about the future of our relationship that I do not yet share; not quite, anyhow. He’s sure that this is it, that I’m “the one.” I feel inadequate and unworthy. I long to be the “the one” for him and for him to be “the one” for me. Reciprocity.<\/p>\n
He is confident that we can make it through. I wish I had more confidence and faith. I wish I would overflow with virtue… but the only thing I possess too much of is my love for him. He has single-handedly restore some of my self-confidence, self-esteem, and some of my faith in love.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
August 30, 1999<\/p>\n
If I love him so much, why do I doubt? Why do I continue to waiver? Is it because I am more or less annoyed about something he said or did and I want to get even by causing him to worry for absolutely no reason at all?<\/p>\n
That’s just evil. And yet I thought I would never be capable of such a thing. Do I feel any remorse? Somewhat. I really need to learn to control my temper and minimize the occurrences of these tantrums and fits of anger.<\/p>\n
And yet, when you think about it, I really have no reason to be angry. I make mountains out of mole hills (out of habit). It’s a hard habit to break… But Brian was able to quit smoking. If he can do that, surely I can cease to act like a brat.<\/p>\n
Again, I’ve managed to evade the issue.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
About three years after these musings, on the 10th of August 2002, we were married. Perhaps the most astonishing realization of all is that almost ten years later, we both agreed we didn’t want to have any children after all. I think that’s a sign of true compatibility. Gaining weight together, learning together, playing together… evolving together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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