So I was craving all you can eat crab legs for several weeks now and the other day I came across an ad for King’s Buffet in Splurge mag so, naturally, I talk Brian into going with me. Brian, the good son that he is, decided to invite his parents to go with us. Brace yourself for this experience.

We get there around 6 pm and, on a December evening when most restos are packed filled with people, when there are absolutely no cars in the parking lot you have to worry. I had second thoughts right then. I mean, three hundred thousand Wichitans can’t be wrong. Right?

Instincts told me this was a bad idea. But did I listen? Of course not.

On the drive home, Brian shared that he felt the same way and almost asked if we could go somewhere else. I asked him why he didn’t and he said that I had my heart set on a crab legs pig out and he was afraid to upset me. Bless his heart.

I told him that I had doubts about the place upon our arrival there also and would not have questioned it one bit. So I told him to feel free to protest in the future, next time I drag him to some place new, and not worry about upsetting me because I will totally understand.

I will leave Brian to describe the food since he will be writing a review of this place. Suffice it to say, everyone hated the place. After trying their food, it was no surprise why there weren’t any cars in the parking lot. We felt so bad for dragging Brian’s parents to the place that we went ahead and paid for their meal. It was just the right thing to do.

You’re probably wondering how the crab legs were. Well, if you were in the middle of the Sahara and you hadn’t had any water for four weeks then you’d probably drink mud. The experience was like a bad papercut. You don’t really feel the pain until much later.

For those of you who don’t grasp metaphors too well, let me spell it out. There were some crab legs that were alright, and there were some that were down-right questionable and gross. While it was nice to be able to satisfy my craving, I really don’t appreciate the sick feeling that I have in my stomach right now that is keeping me awake.

I have this weird feeling in my stomach and I can’t decide if I want to poop or puke. It’s really weird and I’ve never really felt this way before. This must be what shellfish poisoning is like?

Anyway, I tried to go to the bathroom last night. I sat there playing Hot Shots Golf on PSP until the PSP ran out of battery and still nothing. So I went to bed with this sick feeling. I think they will have to perform an emergency c-section on me later today because I am so freakin’ miserable but I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’m so miserable that I can’t even sleep! That’s why I’m in front of the computer, whining and blogging.

So anyway, the moral of this story is: Never ever eat cheap crab legs. If you want crab legs, go to Red Lobster or something. Seriously. Being cheap will only make you sick.