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Archive for "Sex"

Your Sex Life is Better Than Mine

Posted on October 20, 2012 by under Confessions, Relationship, Sex.    

Do you want to know how I know? It’s not because I’ve been stalking you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know because I have a calendar app on my phone that I specifically use for tracking how many times Brian and I have been intimate in a month. It’s actually an app to track my menstrual cycle, but I put dots on the days that we have sex on there. I really like seeing a dot on every single day of the month, with the exception of the four or five days that I’m on my cycle. That hasn’t been the case lately, though. Do you know how many dots I have for October? Just one. The month is almost over and I have one measly dot.

Anyway, if you do not have a TV in your bedroom already, do not get one. No matter how tempting it is. Even if you get a free one. Don’t do it. It’s a trap!

With the exception of the year that Brian was on Zoloft about eight years ago, this has got to be the worst drought we’ve had ever. There’s a lot of factors contributing to this, but probably the one that I blame the most is the TV in the bedroom. They say that having a TV in the bedroom will ruin your sex life. I had no idea how true this statement was until recently. Looking back, I think our sex life was so much more active when we were living in the townhouse and didn’t have a TV in our bedroom. Of course, it helps that we didn’t have to do yard maintenance and projects around the house because we had all of that extra time for love making. LOL.

Anyway, if you do not have a TV in your bedroom already, do not get one. No matter how tempting it is. Even if you get a free one. Don’t do it. It’s a trap!

So far Brian and I have been able to maintain a pretty healthy sex life. We enjoy sexual intimacy about 2 to 3 times a week. It is less frequent than I would like, but it’s enough to keep me content. You’d think that, since we don’t have children, we would have sex everyday but, honestly, we are so busy that there are days we’re completely beat and are ready for bed when we get home. The problem with the TV is that there are some days that we would have a little bit of energy and maybe we could have made love, but that time was spent watching TV instead. Ugh. Putting a TV in our bedroom is probably the worst thing that we could have ever done to our sex life.

What happened this month? Well, we had one last sexual encounter before Brian went on a two-week training tour. As luck would have it, the day of his return was around the time of the start of my monthly menstrual cycle. While he was away he told me that he was looking forward to coming home. I had to burst his bubble by reminding him that my period starts when he comes home. That meant no sex for another week.

We did have an opportunity the day he arrived because my period didn’t start right away, except the TV ruined that for me. He arrived on Saturday and we had a lot of stuff to do that day, but managed to squeeze a nap in during the afternoon. He was really tired and deserved it. Anyway, when we were ready for bed that evening, he started watching the TV shows on the DVR that he missed while he was out of town. I waited patiently until he was done so that the sex could commence. Alas, I was tired too, and fell asleep before that happened.

I woke up somewhat cranky the next morning. Understandably so, because I haven’t had sex in several days. I was starving. I wasn’t trying to be subtle anymore. I flat out told Brian, “You’re going to have to have sex with me before period starts. It’s not here yet, so we still have a chance.” He just laughed. I’m not sure if he thought I was joking. I was dead serious, though. I wanted some sex, darn it!

Unfortunately for both of us, we had another busy day. We could have had sex before Misty came over for Parade of Homes, but again the TV got in the way. Brian was so enthralled with the live coverage of the space jump that we were watching that instead of having a quickie.

Anyway, we arrived back home from the Parade of Homes with just enough time to make dinner. Jay and Becca came over. The five of us had dinner over here and then Jay, Becca, Brian, and I watched the season premier of The Walking Dead after Misty left. She doesn’t watch the show and wasn’t particularly interested.

I went to the restroom right before we started the show, which we had to DVR because dinner ran late, and noticed that my monthly cycle had started. I told Brian that he was too late. No reaction. WTH? He told me later that he couldn’t react because we had company, but that he was just as upset as I was. Whatever.

Now that my period is finally over, he’s sick. He started not feeling well on Thursday and was pretty sick on Friday, but he went to work anyway. Brian and I rarely ever take sick days. That’s just the way we are. We like to save our sick leave for when we absolutely need them. I know people with no sick days at all, and I don’t understand it. Some people might have a hangover or a headache and decide to call in sick the next day. My outlook on taking sick days is the same as Brian’s (actually I think he got it from me because I’m kind of a workaholic and would probably live at work if I were single; thank God, I have Brian to keep me balanced). I treat my sick days like a savings account, only to be used when absolutely necessary. I think if something bad were to happen to me, I could probably go for six months before running out of sick days. Knock on wood. I hope nothing bad ever happens.

But I digress… Back to my whining about my sex life, or lack thereof. With my luck, once he starts feeling better, I will be the one getting sick and not wanting to have sex. FML. It doesn’t look like I will be having sex any time soon. Ugh.

We used to always get asked by random strangers if we were newlyweds. We would smile and tell them that we’ve been married for ten years and been together longer than that. Well, guess what. Now we’re starting to act like the old married couple that we are. Yuck. I want my sex life back. I want dots all over my calendar!

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Date Night with Flip and Ching

Posted on May 29, 2011 by under Confessions, Sex.    

This is what happens when we have an hour to kill before our movie…

2011-05-28 21.33.36.jpg

Date night is sometimes awkward for Brian and me because we are both out of practice. Actually, if you ask Brian, he’ll tell you that never went on dates. So it’s not that he’s out of practice. He didn’t get any practice at all.

As you know, Brian has been getting in better shape and looking fabulous lately. He looked absolutely sexy in his fitted Express shirt and jeans last night. I couldn’t resist telling him, “You look so sexy tonight, I can’t wait to f*** you later.” You guys know that I don’t really cuss because it sounds very awkward when I do it, so I don’t ever throw the f-bomb around. The only time I say the f-word is when I’m using it to say what it means in the literal sense.

Anyway, I had to pause and laugh after I said it because it made me realize that this cannot be a date. Only married couples (or couples who have been together for a really, really long time that they’re practically married) can get away with saying something like that. I told Brian if someone said that on a date, the date would probably come to a screeching halt. Brian agreed but he was thinking if the woman said that on a date, they’d probably just skip the movie and go back to his place or her place and proceed to have sex. First of all, I can’t see a woman saying that. I could picture a guy saying it, but then his date would think he was an arrogant jerk, end the date and never want to see him again. I was thinking that the outcome would probably be the same, regardless of who said it. Brian believes otherwise, though. He agrees with me that things would go very badly if a man were to say it, but it would be perfectly okay if the woman were to say it. Really? That’s kind of a double standard. Don’t you think?

When we got to the movie theater, I insisted that Brian open the car door for me to let me out. We usually just jump out of the car simultaneously when we arrive at our destination. Not tonight, though. I stayed in the passenger seat and patiently waited as he came around the car to my side and opened the door. He goofed around a little bit by locking the car, attempting to open it and failing, and then turning around and acting like his was going to just leave me sitting there. We had a good laugh about that, when he did finally help me out of the car.

“Listen,” I told him. “I am considering this to be a date and, if you do really well, you will get laid.” That’s when he promptly started with the I’ve-never-gone-on-a-date crap. Really? Excuses already? LOL.

After we bought our movie tickets and were headed to the auditorium, I asked him if he wanted to go out dancing after the movie. He said it would be midnight and too late to go out dancing, blah blah blah. I corrected him by telling him that midnight is actually when most people show up at the clubs and then I had to give him a lesson on dating. I said, “When you’re out on a date and you’re trying to get laid, you have to agree to everything that the other person says (well, maybe not everything; but try to be agreeable). So when I asked to go dancing just now, you’re supposed to say ‘Sure. Whatever you want, baby.’ And then magically, we don’t end up going dancing after all because we’re having sex instead. When you say no, it makes me think that you’re a party pooper and it makes me not want to have sex with you.”

In case any of you are wondering how Brian fared last night, he passed. Sometimes, if you look hot and positively ravishing, people will have sex with you anyway despite how badly you suck at the dating thing. That’s why good looking people rarely have problems getting laid. Just ask my sister. LOL. I’m kidding, Jenni! You know I love you! 😉

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Giving RedBox a Shot

Posted on November 26, 2010 by under Games, Movies, Sex.    

Though we’d been loyal Netflix customers for over six years now, Brian finally broke down and decided to give RedBox a try. I’d been wanting to try RedBox for a while now, but Brian was completely against the idea. He’s very guarded when it comes to giving companies his credit card information.

Anyway, he wanted to set up a “play date” with Jay the other day and figured he couple pick up Eat Pray Love for Becca and I to watch while he and Jay played God of War III. I’d already seen Eat Pray Love before (Brian and I saw it with Misty and Jessica when it first came out it theaters), but Becca hadn’t seen it yet. It wasn’t a good enough draw for Becca, though, because Jay showed up the other night sans his better half. I really didn’t want to sit through the movie again (it’s a great movie, but it’s quite depressing, specially at the beginning) so I just ended up watching Brian and Jay play video games, while munching on some edamame and sipping some of my Aveda Comforting Tea. It was pretty entertaining, actually.

After Jay left, Brian continued to play some more. After another couple of hours of it, I got pretty bored so I ended surfing to Brian’s favorite web site. That pretty much put a stop to video-game-playing for the evening. LOL.

All I can say is, this has been a pretty amazing week! 😉

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It’s All About Will Power

Posted on November 13, 2010 by under Sex.    

So I came across this text conversation between Brian and Jay today. I thought it was hilarious so I’m sharing it with you all.

BRIAN: Your Secret show has fucked my wife up. She thinks she can will it to stop raining. And get warmer.
JAY: She was right. It did stop raining and get warmer….
BRIAN: I’ve been willing a blow job from her for weeks, and I still haven’t gotten it.
JAY: But you haven’t watched the video, so you’re probably doing it wrong.
BRIAN: Will power is will power. LOL.
JAY: Ah, I see… You’re definitely doing it wrong.

I think if Brian watched the video and quit making fun of me, he’d probably be getting more blow jobs. Just sayin’.

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Time for your Meds!

Posted on September 23, 2010 by under Health, Sex.    

This has got to be the single greatest medical achievement in human history!

It was announced today on CNN’s web page that Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute. The research consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not or did not swallow. The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

Men, it is our duty to convince your wives your girlfriends to perform fellatio on you at least two times a week. You will be saving their lives. Show them this article, it is scientifically proven that we can help them.

Update: This is all a hoax, and from what I can see, an old one. Sorry guys, I was so hopeful for our futures.

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